Fighting myself, who wins?

Most of it I'll never get right, yet its still good enough for God to use me

April 6, 2014 at 1:12am

Originally written on this page in April 2014. Updated 23 September 2014: 

Almost 9 years ago I preached at a little church outside of Barriloche on the power of God's Word in John 14:12. It was the last day of our outreach phase of my DTS.

I had been removed from my previous team that was going to Brazil. Due to my rebellious behavior, on the first month of my outreach phase of the training school I was in, I was almost sent back to the base in Corrientes and would not have been allowed to graduate. However, for whatever reason, my leaders reconsidered, they had grace and switched me to another team, instead.

Nestled in the Patagonia is this little city that I spent nearly a month in. What happened here was the beginning of huge changes in my life.

The night I was removed from my original team, however, I was torn apart. I literally stayed up the entire night crying. I felt like a failure, I had nothing left of my own strength. It was like one of my biggest dreams to go to Brazil. And that dream had been taken from me TWICE in one year! After I had won a trip through my old company due to sales production, but was unable to go on that trip, too. Now my outreach phase, to serve God in Brazil was being taken, too. I wondered what God was doing to me.

However, His ways are always good. With God's grace, I joined this new team that would be serving at a children's home in Buenos Aires. Then we were to head south to the Patagonia, in the mountains of Carlos de Barriloche. So many of our team were from warm climates and had never seen snow. WE felt that OUR Father wanted to show us how much He loved us, so one of our big prayers was we wanted it to snow. 

When we prayed for snow, the stats of the city reported it hadn't snowed in Barriloche at the end of May in 50 years. So imagine how we danced on the May afternoon as we saw flakes begin to fall. Then more and more! Snow! We rejoiced in the name of Jesus. That entire trip, we saw people meet the Lord and lives changed.

Once, I sang this song http://youtu.be/1jjIcoHIrc0 in Spanish to 2 girls in the middle of the city square. His love moved us all so much, and we asked them if they knew Who the song was talking about. We prayed with them and they met the Lord Jesus. It was electrifying.

The craziest thing, is up until that last week, I wasn't allowed to lead anything. But, after a month with this new team in Bs As and Barriloche, things were different. And 4 hours before we were going to serve at this little church, the leaders ask me to preach.

"What!?" I said.

I was in shock.

I grabbed my Bible and asked the Lord what I needed to share. He lead me to John 14:12. I taught on Jesus' work through us, because we now have the cross. The price has been paid the power of God has come because we are on the other side of the promise. You can't imagine what He can do through us if we will believe and live by this truth: "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father."

The little church of 15 or so people took the Word. And Holy Spirit moved in that place. The church 'got' it, before, during and afterwards there was such a powerful presence of the Holy Spirit. It was beautiful.

That same week as we were driving home on a 14-hour bus ride back to our home base, I had another BIG moment. I was about to get my final evaluation with my leader, that would change my life. It had been, what seemed like months with very few words of affirmation, my biggest love language, during my training school. My leader and I had a chat and I was terrified.

She said, "You finally 'got it' - You let Him lead."

What?! I thought. Is this good?

"Amy, you have changed so much from a month ago until now. I am so amazed at how He has worked in you. But you have to continue to let Him lead..."

Oh, Whew! Praise the Lord, I am growing.

That day I recognized a huge fear of man and authority. It came from a few places in my childhood and I had learned to act strong, when inside I was crying out for acceptance. This was where I was holding what people thought of me over what God said. It was fear of peoples opinions versus the fear of the Lord. And there was, also, not just a scared feeling of timidity, but a dread that I so desperately wanted to earn my place. I felt like I HAD to get it right for God to love me.

It was something I had had for a long time, and it has taken a long time to fully shake it off. I often got this feeling in my stomach where I was literally terrified of what I was going to say, UNTIL I remember now that I don't need to lead. He does.

And it happened again tonight at the gym. I got this feeling to talk to the instructor after our workout. I knew that it would be an inconvenience, but after expressing all my fears, I thought, if this guy needs to know he's loved by Jesus this much that I'm fighting myself over telling him, I better go do it! So I did. Even though I had no idea what I would say after that.

15 minutes later, we're praying, he's getting overwhelmed by God and I'm telling him the story of how God changed my life and my mom's.

That March evening, when I wrote this, I was feeling it again. Another one of those BIG fear of man moments. I had been living with the fear of man again for the last few years and it felt horrible. So that night, I choose to not care what people think.

If I am following Him, I only care what He thinks. And He likes me. A lot.

I want to Celebrate these victories! For He is worthy. He gets the credit. I want to pray. Read the Word. I want to enjoy all the days of My Life.

I don't want to live in fear of someone else not liking me. People are not going to like me. (Mt 10.22, Mt 24.9, Mk 13.13, Lk 21.17, Jn 15.18) And I'm realizing, it is very sad day if everyone speaks well of me. (Lk 6.26)

So here's the conclusion. Amy, are you gonna do what God asks despite the circumstances? I know I can walk on Water in ANY circumstance if Jesus says, "Come."

That's it. Receive His love, Amy. He's waiting.