I've got a new appreciation for the cross.Not just the one Jesus was crucified on, but the one He carried every day. This living-by-the-Spirit-dying-to-yourself thing is not as easy to do as it is to read about.
Especially when your strength is being sustained in Christ. And it feels next to nothing.
Friday night, all-day Saturday and most of Sunday, my days 26, 27 and 28 were my all-time lows. I fully expected angels to come pick me up and to see Jesus' face Saturday night.
I was so exhausted and unable to even get up after I had showered. Then, I laid awake most of the night not wanting (nor able) to move because I had slept most of Saturday. I found, at that time, the Lord brought more people and more things to mind than I expected.
So I prayed. Not on bent knee but deep in my spirit. They weren't beautiful prayers, but they were desperate.
It wasn't easy. Really. I wanted to sleep. To bring Sunday faster. And to go to church and worship together. At least I was hoping I could get up. I slept in my clothes just to make sure there was as little effort as possible in the morning. (Shhh... don't tell my church.)
There is such a beauty in this worship, though.
That is what fasting is. Worship. There is no reason on earth I could do this apart from Jesus. I can't even diet when I try. But I can fast because its for Him. Not for anyone else. And not to prove anything. Its all about love. His love sustaining me. And my love to understand Him and a little of what He went through for me. Outside of God's love, I could not do this. But His love sustains me, and I can see His love entering into another area of life.
In her book Hunger Pains, Cynthia Moe says that fasting shows her where her boundaries are with God, "I am sick of stumbling over barriers that keep me from God and cause me to fail to see that right choice before I choose...It helps me know where to put my chisel and hammer to work to take those barriers down... a fast doesn't actually do--it just shows."
I feel like fasting shows me how far I trust God. Jesus fasted and God expects us to imitate Him as beloved children. Walking in love as Christ loved us, giving Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Trust is not just about the giving up of the meal, though.
You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased with burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. (Psalm 51:16-17)
God is asking us to endure what Christ endured. To mature us. To help us to rejoice even in the middle of trials.
Its not so far-fetched for us to believe that suffering for the right thing is good. One of the hardest scriptures for me to read and understand is Hebrews 2:10, but I have such hope understanding that it shows how precious we are:
For it was fitting that He (God), for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons (us that believe) to glory, should make the founder of their salvation (Jesus) perfect through suffering.
What makes it doubly amazing is that Jesus knew all of this was a possibility even before He left heaven to come as a child to be like us. That's what makes trusting Him with everything so much easier!
Again, for me, there is more to trust than just giving up a meal. It's what happens in our hearts as a result of allowing the LOVE of God to fill us at our darkest times. What do we do with that love? Trusting God means that when we give Him something, but its not for our own benefit. I'm not to stand around so everyone will see me, so I can say, "Look at me! Look at what I did!" God has something to say about that kind of fasting and what He wants:
“Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure... fasting like yours this day will not make your voice to be heard on high...
Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
...Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’”
Isaiah 58:3b, 4a, 6, 7, 9, 10
As I sit with this verse, and so much more that is in my heart, I know the Lord is doing something new. Renewing a trust in me, that if He has said it, in the written Word, or is saying it, in the Spirit, I only need to have one response. Obey.
Loose the bonds of wickedness.
Undo the straps of the yoke.
Let the oppressed go free.
Break every yoke.
Share my bread with the hungry.
Bring the homeless poor into my house.
Cover the naked.
Not hide myself.
Beautiful God. Give me boldness. I want to obey.
After a weekend of near complete debilitation, Sunday night, as I sat or kneeled in worship, I asked God a question. I was really tempted to give up this fast. I couldn't see another 12 days, plus traveling Thursday to Monday in that state of feebleness, so I asked God if drinking milk was giving up.
No condemnation, guilt and no shame. He replied lovingly, giving me the choice. So my friend and I went to the grocery store, blessing, praying for people giving hugs the whole way.
Now, I'm back to drinking milk, mostly regular 2% and a little chocolate 1%. I had been drinking it up until day 18. That was a Thursday, it was the same day Jesus had the last supper. I thought that was appropriate timing. I had kept drinking coffee, though, up until day 26, but even now that's out. I am taking up my cross... Today I am contemplating this. Being sent out in the Spirit of Elijah. That's where God is asking us to be: in agreement with the will and heart of the Father, not the world's. That's boldness. I'm ready! And, yet, I'm glad I have these last 10 days to meditate on it. I am taking up my cross... and following Jesus.
I recommend listening to this, "No One Like Jehovah," Kelanie Gloeckler.
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