I originally wrote this to my sister, but felt to share a very humbling moment that happened last night.
I'm at this professional development training for culture and language just outside of Bangkok. I've just come back into Thailand after an emergency month at home. My mom was really sick, and we gave her to Jesus on August 1, 2014. That has been hard for me to blog about, but those will come in time. If you want to hear more about what God did in that time, I hope to have the energy to write soon. It has been a surprisingly peaceful time, mixed with tears of longing and joy knowing she made a decision to make Jesus Savior and Lord last year.
So back to Thailand, at this training...
I was really struggling with a sarcastic comment I had made with one of my neighbors that was being quite noisy around 8p. I was tired and I haven’t had my normal energy to socialize and meet people. My next door room neighbors were laughing and carrying on, and I was getting irritated. I immediately thought in my head, “How rude! How inconsiderate! Don’t they care about anyone else on this floor? What if we were trying to sleep?”
I felt so righteous and yet, I knew I was judging their hearts, and immediately I felt something inside stop me.
“Only I know their heart. Its your turn to love them, not judge them.”
I felt to leave to go down the hall to use the internet, and as I passed by their room, I, once again, had the Lord stop me. I had bought a small container of Wall's Cookies & Cream ice cream earlier from 7-11, and I felt the ‘nudge’ to give it to them. I had initially debated between the Hershey's and the Cookies and Cream, so I was quite sure that I deserved that ice cream God had given me. However, I argued with God for a few seconds but knew He was right (as always).
So I knocked on their door and asked them if they wanted it. They were surprised, but accepted and as I brought the ice cream from my freezer to them, they made a comment that suggested they realized they had been loud (I had said nothing about it).
But some emotion deep in me erupted and a sarcastic comment came out of my mouth that I later regretted deeply.
“Yeah, well, I thought so too. So I wanted to give you something good to stuff your mouths with,” I smiled. A look of shock came across their face as they held the unopened ice cream in their hands.
Oh, even as I write it, it seems worse than I had intended it. The ice cream had come from a place of love, but the not the comment. Instead it was laced with anger, judgement and jealousy.
I didn’t think much of my comment, at first. I felt like I had won, they apologized and this super-spiritual side that I had sacrificed something, surfaced. It was really a self-righteousness, as what I had really wanted was that ice cream and yet for them to feel loved. But it seemed that I may have just wanted them to like me.
After being on the computer. It was a few hours after I had talked to them when I returned and all was very quiet, and this deep regret began to fill me. A deep sense of repentance grabbed me and I didn’t know what to do about it. It overwhelmed me. They were asleep, apologizing wasn’t an option. I felt a conviction about what I had said and even a sickness began setting in.
I asked God what to do.
Immediately He gave me a verse. Psalm 32. It was a scripture in my natural that I was unfamiliar with, but I knew this was going to bring peace. For me, His Word always does. An encounter with God always almost makes me hungry for more of Him. This was no exception. I reached for my Bible, a calm even began to settle over me as I opened the pages.
Psalm 32 read:
Blessed is the one
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the one
whose sin the Lord does not count against them
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Right then and there I repented. I got on my knees and admitted my judgmental heart, told God how sorry I was, and blessed my neighbors. I had a peace that washed over me. Something that is hard for me to explain. But I was reminded of another verse James 3:10-11
Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?
"Amy, blessing and cursing cannot flow from the same mouth…"
Psalm 32, gave me peace. James 3 reminds me that I need Him to tame my tongue. That I need to submit even, every thought to God and wait for Him to tell me what to say and when to share.
For me, if I am in a difficult place emotionally, it seems like now every time I ask God for a word or advice, something in the atmosphere changes. If I am feeling any number of emotions: guilty or sad or angry, I can hold onto what God says and a peace that I could never explain comes over me. That happened last night.
I wanted to encourage you with this story. I need to hold onto His Word. It brings life. I am so humbled at how quickly I can put myself first and it robs me of the beauty of people and relationships.
Its now 5:35a, I have been waking up all night, still jet-lagged. But I felt to write it to you. I realize there is something I needed to say to you. I hope you can forgive me for my fast speaking tongue. I am still a work in progress, but I am His and He is not done with me yet. He is my hiding place.
Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord does not count against them
and in whose spirit is no deceit…
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
And here is the rest of Psalm 32:6-11:
Therefore let all the faithful pray to you
while you may be found;
surely the rising of the mighty waters
will not reach them.
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the Lord’s unfailing love
surrounds the one who trusts in him.
Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!
I love you. Be full of Him today!
I remembered that I had read this prayer late last night, too, that convicted me...
From my church bulletin at ECB (Evangelical Church of Bangkok). Reading it began to soften the condemnation I felt and then lead me to hear the voice of the Lord to read Psalm 32.
Connecting my heart to the heart of the Father
(Before you begin, ask God to fill you afresh with the Holy Spirit.)
Lord Jesus Christ, it is in Your mighty name that I pray…
Father, You have admonished me in Your word to control my body — my appetites and behavior, in a way that is holy and honorable to You — control my temper and be patient. But I confess Father, that I fall short of this in many areas of my life and I ask that You strengthen me by Your Spirit, so that I might not let sin reign in my body or oven in to evil desires.
May the fruit of self-control continually increase in my life, that this godly characteristic may be evident in the way that I eat, how I shop, the hobbies I engage in, my sexuality, my words and actions. (Pause and allow the Holy Spirit to bring specific areas of your life to your mind, Bring these before the Father.)
May every aspect of who I am and how I live be under the control of Your Holy Spirit! Fill be afresh I pray, and burn away all that is not like Jesus. I submit to You now in Jesus’ name.
Father, I do not want my relationship to seen worthless to You, and so I ask that You would empower me to keep a tight reign on my tongue. Destroy idle talk and gossip in all its forms that are evident in my life. May I be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry, knowing that anger does not bring about the righteous life that You desire.
May my life be so controlled by Your Holy Spirit that I truly live and move and have my very being in You alone. Help me today to not indulge my fleshly nature. Strengthen me to stand firm and be self-controlled in thought, word and action — wherever I am, whatever I do — in my public life and especially when I am alone — reign over me! Reign over my body, soul, mind and spirit — rule and reign over all!
I long to be useable, noble vessel for Your purposes and the glory of Your great name. Change me from the inside out, I pray. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
(Proverbs 16:32; 1 Thes 4:4; Gal 5:22; Rom 6:12; 2 Peter 1:5-6; Daniel 1:8; 1 Cor 6:19; James 1:19, 26; Acts 17:28; Rom 9:21)
I'm at this professional development training for culture and language just outside of Bangkok. I've just come back into Thailand after an emergency month at home. My mom was really sick, and we gave her to Jesus on August 1, 2014. That has been hard for me to blog about, but those will come in time. If you want to hear more about what God did in that time, I hope to have the energy to write soon. It has been a surprisingly peaceful time, mixed with tears of longing and joy knowing she made a decision to make Jesus Savior and Lord last year. So back to Thailand, at this training...
I was really struggling with a sarcastic comment I had made with one of my neighbors that was being quite noisy around 8p. I was tired and I haven’t had my normal energy to socialize and meet people. My next door room neighbors were laughing and carrying on, and I was getting irritated. I immediately thought in my head, “How rude! How inconsiderate! Don’t they care about anyone else on this floor? What if we were trying to sleep?”
I felt so righteous and yet, I knew I was judging their hearts, and immediately I felt something inside stop me.
“Only I know their heart. Its your turn to love them, not judge them.”
I felt to leave to go down the hall to use the internet, and as I passed by their room, I, once again, had the Lord stop me. I had bought a small container of Wall's Cookies & Cream ice cream earlier from 7-11, and I felt the ‘nudge’ to give it to them. I had initially debated between the Hershey's and the Cookies and Cream, so I was quite sure that I deserved that ice cream God had given me. However, I argued with God for a few seconds but knew He was right (as always).
So I knocked on their door and asked them if they wanted it. They were surprised, but accepted and as I brought the ice cream from my freezer to them, they made a comment that suggested they realized they had been loud (I had said nothing about it).
But some emotion deep in me erupted and a sarcastic comment came out of my mouth that I later regretted deeply.
“Yeah, well, I thought so too. So I wanted to give you something good to stuff your mouths with,” I smiled. A look of shock came across their face as they held the unopened ice cream in their hands.
Oh, even as I write it, it seems worse than I had intended it. The ice cream had come from a place of love, but the not the comment. Instead it was laced with anger, judgement and jealousy.
I didn’t think much of my comment, at first. I felt like I had won, they apologized and this super-spiritual side that I had sacrificed something, surfaced. It was really a self-righteousness, as what I had really wanted was that ice cream and yet for them to feel loved. But it seemed that I may have just wanted them to like me.
After being on the computer. It was a few hours after I had talked to them when I returned and all was very quiet, and this deep regret began to fill me. A deep sense of repentance grabbed me and I didn’t know what to do about it. It overwhelmed me. They were asleep, apologizing wasn’t an option. I felt a conviction about what I had said and even a sickness began setting in.
I asked God what to do.
Immediately He gave me a verse. Psalm 32. It was a scripture in my natural that I was unfamiliar with, but I knew this was going to bring peace. For me, His Word always does. An encounter with God always almost makes me hungry for more of Him. This was no exception. I reached for my Bible, a calm even began to settle over me as I opened the pages. Psalm 32 read:
Blessed is the one
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the one
whose sin the Lord does not count against them
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Right then and there I repented. I got on my knees and admitted my judgmental heart, told God how sorry I was, and blessed my neighbors. I had a peace that washed over me. Something that is hard for me to explain. But I was reminded of another verse James 3:10-11
Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?
"Amy, blessing and cursing cannot flow from the same mouth…"
Psalm 32, gave me peace. James 3 reminds me that I need Him to tame my tongue. That I need to submit even, every thought to God and wait for Him to tell me what to say and when to share.
For me, if I am in a difficult place emotionally, it seems like now every time I ask God for a word or advice, something in the atmosphere changes. If I am feeling any number of emotions: guilty or sad or angry, I can hold onto what God says and a peace that I could never explain comes over me. That happened last night.
I wanted to encourage you with this story. I need to hold onto His Word. It brings life. I am so humbled at how quickly I can put myself first and it robs me of the beauty of people and relationships.
Its now 5:35a, I have been waking up all night, still jet-lagged. But I felt to write it to you. I realize there is something I needed to say to you. I hope you can forgive me for my fast speaking tongue. I am still a work in progress, but I am His and He is not done with me yet. He is my hiding place.
Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord does not count against them
and in whose spirit is no deceit…
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
And here is the rest of Psalm 32:6-11:
Therefore let all the faithful pray to you
while you may be found;
surely the rising of the mighty waters
will not reach them.
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the Lord’s unfailing love
surrounds the one who trusts in him.
Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!
I love you. Be full of Him today!
I remembered that I had read this prayer late last night, too, that convicted me...
From my church bulletin at ECB (Evangelical Church of Bangkok). Reading it began to soften the condemnation I felt and then lead me to hear the voice of the Lord to read Psalm 32.
Connecting my heart to the heart of the Father
(Before you begin, ask God to fill you afresh with the Holy Spirit.)
Lord Jesus Christ, it is in Your mighty name that I pray…
Father, You have admonished me in Your word to control my body — my appetites and behavior, in a way that is holy and honorable to You — control my temper and be patient. But I confess Father, that I fall short of this in many areas of my life and I ask that You strengthen me by Your Spirit, so that I might not let sin reign in my body or oven in to evil desires.
May the fruit of self-control continually increase in my life, that this godly characteristic may be evident in the way that I eat, how I shop, the hobbies I engage in, my sexuality, my words and actions. (Pause and allow the Holy Spirit to bring specific areas of your life to your mind, Bring these before the Father.)
May every aspect of who I am and how I live be under the control of Your Holy Spirit! Fill be afresh I pray, and burn away all that is not like Jesus. I submit to You now in Jesus’ name.
Father, I do not want my relationship to seen worthless to You, and so I ask that You would empower me to keep a tight reign on my tongue. Destroy idle talk and gossip in all its forms that are evident in my life. May I be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry, knowing that anger does not bring about the righteous life that You desire.
May my life be so controlled by Your Holy Spirit that I truly live and move and have my very being in You alone. Help me today to not indulge my fleshly nature. Strengthen me to stand firm and be self-controlled in thought, word and action — wherever I am, whatever I do — in my public life and especially when I am alone — reign over me! Reign over my body, soul, mind and spirit — rule and reign over all!
I long to be useable, noble vessel for Your purposes and the glory of Your great name. Change me from the inside out, I pray. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
(Proverbs 16:32; 1 Thes 4:4; Gal 5:22; Rom 6:12; 2 Peter 1:5-6; Daniel 1:8; 1 Cor 6:19; James 1:19, 26; Acts 17:28; Rom 9:21)
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